I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
