one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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