Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
