Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
