I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
