maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I intend to get homeless drunk
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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