my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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