I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
