Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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