If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
