Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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