you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
