life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
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Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit