I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats