I think I am morally bankrupt
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
