I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
