My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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