Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
