This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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