hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
