I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
