I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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