foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
