i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize