I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
