My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
