how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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