You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
