on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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