that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
