Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
They took my balls.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
