im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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