My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
