Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
