Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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