The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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