Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm getting married
To pizza
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
