i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
only you would photoshop your dick
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
