Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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