I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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