Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
