you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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