Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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