whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
