she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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