I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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