so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just got carded by a ten year old.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
