i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.