And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..