wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
