i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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