just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
