FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
