listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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