JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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