dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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