so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
