smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
