I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
