I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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