my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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