im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
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Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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