when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
